Friday, February 21, 2014

Jesus Said If

Jesus said, "If you bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don't bring forth what is inside you, what you don't bring forth will destroy you."

- The Gospel of Thomas

* * *

Simple really.

* * *

Listen, you know the answers. They exist in your veins, in the way you turn your head to catch the flight of a hawk, how you sleep, the verbal tics you've accumulated, in the way you think of your beloved, your preference for your grandmother's meatloaf, if you fold your socks or not, your fear or delight in new places, how you are a morning person, how you can't understand morning people, the way you respond to illness, if you pray, what you believe about your life, all life, if you believe at all. The answers are inside you, are you. If you are fucked it is all blocked. Nothing moves. The answers are doubted and so stabled. You have learned to trust pain more than love. You have learned to belittle yourself and your gifts. But that does not change the unchangeable truth: by the fact of your existence you are the answer you have been waiting for.

Sigh no more.
Wait no more.
Your freedom is in your hands.

* * *

Your life, like any life, has before it the task of realizing itself, of finding and expressing its essential truth. If your life is fucked it is because you know the truth but have not expressed it. You know its contours, can feel it like a pebble in your shoe, but have not brought it into the light of day where it will have to find its place in the world. We hem and haw and doubt ourselves, doubt that what we have to offer is worthy of the effort, doubt that anyone will understand, doubt that we'll be accepted if we bring forth what is inside us. Ladies and gentlemen, fuck that. It does not matter if others don't dig what we have done. There are but 2 requirements here: it must be yours and it must not limit anyone else. After that, fuck 'em.

What is inside you, the essential truth of your life, must find expression in the world or it will fester and rot inside you. What was to bring joy will only bring sorrow for its unborn, untested potential. If you are a painter and do not paint you will come to loathe art because it is easier to disparage others' efforts than to confront the fact you have made none. Your actions either save you or destroy you.

Sigh no more.
Wait no more.
Your freedom is in you hands.

* * *

I am in the habit of writing three pages in longhand each morning before I do anything else. No coffee, no shit, no shower, no shave until I get these three pages down. It isn't art. It is the pen hitting the page and not stopping for air until the three are done. It is my meditative practice. If I miss a day, if I make an excuse - my child is sick, I slept in, I'll be late for work, etc, the day falls off the rails. It sucks. Doing the pages late at night isn't the same. I need the morning to clear my thoughts, steady and ready myself for the rest of the day's work. It allows me to do this and all the other writing I do. It frees me to open up and bring forth all that I dream, all that I desire, all that I know in the marrow of my soul. If I miss a day, if the chain gets broken, there is no mea cupla, mea culpa. There is only starting a new chain. Meditation isn't the art of never being distracted. It is the art of always returning, of being willing to be present, to start again.

Friend, if you need to start again, then do so. If what is inside you hasn't found its way into the world yet, do not despair. Begin again. The past is instructive, but not determinative. Begin again. You know now the traps and snares and can move past them. Begin again. What you bring forth will save you.

Me and Jesus promise.

* * *

Sigh no more.
Wait no more.
Your freedom is in your hands.

* * *

Boom.

__________

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