Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I'm Leaving Pieces

I'm leaving pieces behind
Anywhere I go
Every time I go
I'm leaving behind my soul

I'm breaking into pieces
Every time I go
Leaving pieces of mine 

Every time I go

- Trixie Whitley, "Pieces"

* * *

Lately, the word "combinatoria' has been tracing lines in my head. It feels like the start of something. I'll say this: what is scattered and broken cannot be restored as it was, but can only become something new.

Kintsukuroi, baby.

* * *

I have long argued that the basic need for any last one of us fucked fuckers is to be complete - not improved or made better, but to be complete, completely ourselves and completely at home in the world so we can go see what our lives can do. Right on. Haven't changed my mind. That is still my first foot forward. But I have been thinking lately that there is another layer here, another idea that may belong here. I'm not saying it as fact or gospel, but simply as an idea to consider, test out, to see where it might go. It is this: our completeness is not a restoration, but an on-going process of shedding pieces, adding others, recombining the shards, patterns and impulses and desires into a wholly new thing that in turn will be pulled apart and be reconfigured and reworked into another new thing and that new thing is always the same: you.

Soul sculpture.
The combinatoria of history, rhythm, color, sound, desire and its expression from moment to moment: a kiss, a broken hand healed, dinner made, words written, a child soothed, a foe defeated, dancing without music except for the low hum of your love, anger spent, holy silence, letting go, bearing witness, building - always leaning in, hunger, regret, forgiveness of sins, resistance, pride, service, ego, the unbearable lightness of being, transition, omission, spite, a song sung, a life lived out in the fullness of its time.

* * *

When the rains come, when things fall apart, when we fail ourselves we are being asked by life to get to the work of leaving behind what no longer works or serves the invention of each moment. Just or unjust, the breaking apart of the structures that have failed us is the necessary first step to learning where we can rebuild, what can be salvaged and re-purposed, combined with some other thing to make a new thing that could not have existed without the rains and the falling apart and the question asked: now what you gonna do?

There's beauty ahead. I promise.

Leave behind what no longer works. Your wholeness is a combination of additions and subtractions and it changes all the time. Believing it is set in stone leaves you unprepared for the inevitable transitions that will skate into your life. Lean in. Ride the leading edge and be an active participant in the changes.

The Baal Shem Tov walked into fields of grass and prayed for the scattered light of God buried in each blade to rise up and be restored.

Walk into the field of your life and pray that you can take what is scattered, incomplete, broken and use it to find out what you can yet be. It is the privilege of a lifetime to combine your spirit with your body, with your mind and see what you can make of it. Just remember: it is in combining, recombining, and re-imagining that you find your feet.

* * *



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