Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Sorrow Is An

Frank, the poi dog
Sorrow is an angel
That comes to you in blue light
And shows you what is wrong
Just to see if you'll set it right
And I've fucked up
So many times in my life
That I want to get it right this time
I want to get it right this time
I want to get it right this time
I want to get it right this time
I want to get it right this time
I want to get it right this time
I want to get it right this time
I want to get it right this time

- Poi Dog Pondering, "Complicated"

* * *

There is a specific mechanism to unfucking your life. It goes by different names: disgust, enough, waking up, sorrow as an angel. They all point to the same place. They all bring you to the threshold of unfucking what you have fucked just to see if you'll set it right. None of it will work until you've had enough of the half-life, until you've reached the point of disgust with the ways things are for you, until you've woken up and know the difference between shit and shinola, until all you want is to get it right this time. And all of that means next to nothing unless you are willing to see it for what it is - a chance to get it right. Moreover, you have to take that chance or nothing changes for you. Nothing.

* * *

You've done it a thousand times, maybe more. I know I have. You have found yourself pinched and fucked and screwed and bottomed out. You have fucked up so many times that you've lost count or don't even want to consider it. I get that. And each time, as the consequences of your fuckitude unfurl like a dirty flag on a barren battlefield, you have said, "Enough of all this shit." Admit it. You have promised yourself that this time, this time it would be different. This time you finally got the message. This time you weren't ever going back no more.  You had your last drink. Your last cigarette. Your last hit. Your last excuse. Your last whatever the holy fuck has been eating at you. Done. Good to go. Fuck and you, baby. This is a new life starting right here.

How many times have you done that?

It never held, did it? Don't worry, man. We all go through it and we all go through it because we confuse acknowledging how fucked things are with actually taking the steps to unfuck it. Why? Because it takes all our will just to say its all fucked up. It takes everything we have to let that angel in. And it seems heroic. It seems like it should be enough. But the results don't lie. So, now what?

Here's what: you let go of what's right or wrong, of everything that comes to you in blue light. Let it all go, man. You have to figure this shit out for yourself. Can't get there with preconceived notions of how it get s done. Each of us has to craft an answer that works for ourselves. Baby, what worked for me cannot work for you. It can be similar. It can be in the same direction, but you are blessedly unique and the solutions must be as well. Broad balms of religiosity, creative endeavor, material wealth are the equivalent of using a broad-axe for brain surgery: yes, it will split you open, but kill you at the same time. Only you have the answers for how your life gets unfucked, and you have cycled back through this moment how ever many times because you lost the ability to trust yourself.

After all, you're the dude who's fucked up so many times. Right?

Bullshit. You're the dude who has kept trying to set it right. You're a fucking rockstar. Now get the job done. MOVE.

* * *

Knowledge without action is like a tit on a bull: useless.

Much is made of the idea of "flow," I have made much of it myself. But here's the deal, flow, the sense of right action, of being in the moment, of creating your life as it happens only happens when you take action, when you consistently choose to act (and not simply act for the sake of doing something) from the deepest well of your soul, your self, your purpose. This powerful sense of authority for your life cannot happen if you will not take the chance to change your response to the circumstances of your life. Brother, sister, you have no control over external elements in your life. None. But you do control how you engage with the stuff of your life. When you find you have cycled back to a point of disgust, of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of the way things are, you have a chance and a choice to choose differently. That angel in blue light can't get you there. She's but a sign that this is your chance, your time to get it right.

Now go. Nothing bad will happen.


* * *



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