Thursday, July 11, 2013
Hold To The
Hold to the real behind the false and don't be afraid.
You must know
that the Beloved you seek is none other than you.
Hold to this truth and don't be afraid.
- Jalaluddin Rumi
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There are but two ways of living out this life - either through love or through fear. Everything else is hairsplitting or variations on a theme. In the end you have to choose which way you will experience life - either through love or through fear. If you're fucked, guess which way you are doing it.
Fear operates as the idea that there isn't enough love in this world for you. Fear teaches love is conditional and finite. Our parents, broken as they were/are, taught us this - not to wound us, but because it was what they knew. Their love for us was conditional, part of the welter of responsibilities pulling at them and the only way they knew to control us was to give and withhold their love based on our behavior. Some went so far off the reservation that no matter what you did, you could not get their approval, their attention, their love. But the fault wasn't with you. It wasn't even with them. Blinded by their own fears, they did not see what they'd done and if a stranger asked them how well they did their job as a parent to you they would say, "I did my best."
You know this is true.
And what results did it bring?
Yeah, I know.
We cycle through relationships that start with great promise and end in a heap of broken-ness for the minute we say "I love you" we want to hear it back, need to hear it back, need to be validated by the saying of it. We alter our selves, our behavior to keep the crack pipe of what is passing for love lit. It ends badly - even if we stay married for a lifetime. And should love be returned to us in kind, and not its easily offered shell, we fear the day it changes for we have learned the lesson well that all love fades, becomes complacent and so again, we are defensive, looking for fault, living from fear.
And it fucks us.
And all we cry at night is "why?"
* * *
Such a ridiculous, vicious cycle.
* * *
That is how it is if you are fucked, if you have ever been fucked. You've been living from fear and scarcity and the idea that you cannot have a different kind of life because the circumstances you grew up in, the lessons you internalized have put a keeper on what you can do, on what you can be. And it is so. At least it remains that way as long as you choose to live from fear and not love. For it is a choice, my brothers and sisters, my best beloveds. It is a choice.
Think. You know it is true. You've just been afraid.
What good has your fear brought you? What benefit has it bestowed on your life? Broken relationships between you and the ones you have meant to care for? And what of your relationship to yourself? Do you even know you have one, and if so, if someone treated you the way you treat yourself would you stay? This is what fear harvests.
So, now, to the choice.
If the life you have at this moment is exactly as you would have it, stop reading. You are there. You've made it. You are exactly who you meant to be. Right, the fuck, on. But if you are reading this, odds are you know something is missing and you are tired of looking for it. So, hold to the reins of Love and don't be afraid.
* * *
There are two ways of experiencing your life - either through love or fear, or to put it another way so you don't mis-understand what is meant by love, you can either be awake or sleepwalk. If you are awake, if you can see, you will see boundaries dissolve. There will be no barrier between you and your beloved, no filters of expectation or hurt or conditions that must be met before you can give or receive love. You will simply be the other. You will recognize your soul in her soul, in his soul and the veil will drop. But don't think this is limited to romantic love and sexual expression, it becomes part of everything. It is everything and you are in it. Fear separates, creates distance, silences, chasms that cannot be bridged. Love dissolves distances, is electric, alive - like licking the business end of a D-cell battery.
But your father wasn't there. You mom was too wrapped up in her pain and you've been on the road a while now and when will it be alright? The minute you choose it to be so. The minute you forgive it all and not because this is an equation, a promise that if I say these certain words, then this wonderful thing will happen. No, man. It won't work. There is no secret, no affirmation, no fake it til you make it bullshit. It can't work because going at it like that is still living from fear. Baby, you have to love it all. Right now. As it is and forgive all those who hurt you. They are just on their journeys, their paths and they might be well off into the weeds, no doubt, no doubt, but forgive them because they are travelers just like you. You may be at a different point in your journey, walking a different road, but you are still the same as they are - just a soul making its way through time. And you have to forgive yourself for the hurt you've laid on others. You're no saint, nor should you be. That cannot be your goal. You are the goal. Being exactly who you are, unburdened by the fear, is the reason you're here. If you've burned up a lot of time, if you've been wandering for a while now I am here to tell you it is all good.
You see, the minute you hold to love and are not afraid, time won't matter. You'll be home and in the arms of your beloved.
* * *
One last thing, you are free to choose. You are free to choose to try and out wrestle pain, free to choose to try and rewind time and stop that first hurt. You are free to do so and if you do choose that I wish you well and I hope to see you again somewhere down the line. Pride and ego drive us like cattle to our slaughter. If you are in between, uncertain, wanting to let go, but don't quite know how, be gentle with yourself. Don't panic. You're almost there. When you're ready to live a different kind of life without the weight of all that hurt and frustration and pain then you'll cross that threshold because it was time to do so. If you are already living from love, leave a few breadcrumbs on the road. I am on my way.
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