Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Will Hold

I will hold this love against God,
eternal damnation, anything.
That is true love.

- Joseph Campbell

* * *

There is a story, a hidden story, a forgotten story that I have always loved (is it not the unearthed story that tells all the truths? What you can say out loud is only that which you care to be judged by). It goes something like this:

Back in the day, long before there were men, there were only angels. They hummed and vibrated a radiant light of pure love as they surrounded and exalted God. God said to them, "You'll put no other before me." And they did not. Into this light God brought them a gift: man. God said to his angels, "Bow before my creation." And they did. Except for one. Lucifer. He said to God, "I love you. How can I bow before man? It is to you I pledge my love. There is no other. Only you." God will not suffer disobedience and casts Lucifer from the humming, vibrating bright light of love, damning him for eternity for his insolence. Lucifer bears up this pall because his love of God is greater than God's blindness.

The End.

* * *

Here, let me say it to you plainly: in order to unfuck your life, you must love someone, something beyond yourself, something you are willing into suffer for, but more than that - something you are willing to live for.

It is easy to call it a day and say it is beyond your ability to change what has become of your life. And to a point, that is true. You cannot change what has occurred, what is occurring. You can only change how you process it, how you react to it, how you incorporate it into your life.

What is your Promethean liver? What are you suffering for, what is it that has you chained to a rock? Can you name it? I've been able to name mine for a while now, but something was missing, something kept me chained. I thought once I could identify it, name it, call it out, I could vanquish it. But it is not so with me.

Let me tell you what I was missing. Maybe it is what you are missing as well: love. A fierce love of life, of someone, of something other than me and my suffering. I found I could bear much, but without a love beyond my suffering, beyond my trials, I was forever bound to those trials. I could not be free. There are chains we wear because they are foisted upon us, and there are chains we build for ourselves. There are times, maybe the length of your lifetime, that you cannot be free of your outward circumstances. I doubt I'll be free of mine, yet I have a choice as to whether or not those circumstances are the sum total of my life. On bad days, on fucked days, it is so.

Freedom arrives with a fierce love, a love you are willing to hold against God, eternal damnation, anything, because through this love you are free of such things as God and eternal damnation and anything else. You are timeless. This is what frees you. Reject the parameters handed to you, told to you, imposed on you. Choose to live for something beyond those strictures.

The rest can go fuck themselves.

* * *

Lucifer is not evil. He is a spurned lover trying to find his way home.

The quote from Campbell is about Lancelot's inability to see the Grail. It was forbidden to him because of his love of Guinevere. But he and Guinevere knew something the Grail boys did not: a love that could be held against God.

Bear up your pall with love, fierce love and it ceases to be a pall.
Bear up your pall with love and you are free and someday they'll write stories about you, hidden stories, stories to be unearthed and finally spoken aloud - regardless of how it is judged.

* * *

Boom, motherfucker. Boom


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