Monday, May 9, 2011

I Have Frozen

I have frozen up my dreams, thinking I was all alone
Fighting every minute for each turning stone
I have reached the rocket speed
I have touched the ground that feeds
Scaling fences, looking for the healing sun

- Daniel Lanois, "Shine"

* * *

The comes a moment, sometimes several moments if your life unspools itself that way, when it dawns on you just how wrong you have been about things, about the precious things: love, forgiveness, communion, solitude and the way you walk in the world. You can spend years and years of your time believing life was one way and you come to learn that not only were you wrong, but were wrong at a cellular level, wrong from the gate, wrong because you learned fear and from that understood time and its vicissitudes to be linear, that the only change coming was entropic. Seeing your life and time this way builds up a thick callous of regret and longing that can never be quenched. There is no balm. There is no double-take. No sea-change.

And it feels so damnably alone on that one narrow line from cradle to grave.

And this is how we live. This is how we live.

Fools. Fools. Fools.

Like you, I have frozen up my dreams, thinking I was all alone. But it is those dreams that are your salvation, that show you you are not alone, and the way to those dreams cannot bear the weight of your loneliness. If you would have them, those things, those precious things that keep you walking, you must, must I say, unlearn your fear of love, forgiveness, communion, solitude and the way only you can walk in the world.

Doubt will haunt you in the beginning, but haven't you had enough doubt?

* * *

Don't be hard on yourself. You can work and work and do good work and be good and still get it wrong. It isn't the work, you can do anything you like - it's all good, it is more basic, more encompassing than that. Do you hold the love you have been given against its loss? Do you believe love is ever lost? Do you forgive yourself for being yourself and not some other who seems to have a better life? Have you let those moments of communion become bitter because they could not last? Do you fear solitude and mistake it for being alone? And how, how do you keep walking? What moves you? Whose heart beats? Whose hands? Whose feet?

* * *

I live in between two worlds: what has been and what I am building. The good that has come to me in the past I have allowed to haunt me and I tried to undo death, undo the loss of love, undo time. It was as if because my best beloveds were no longer at hand they were forever gone, forever lost and that love had been a cruel, cruel thing because it could not be made to last. And so it goes. Bodies fail. The spirit, too. Living like this is living forever thirsty, forever hungry and never finding rest. It is how we are.

But it is not how we have to be.

I am the luckiest of men. You, too, my fucked friend. The love you have to give, the love you have been given cannot be destroyed or lost - only ignored. If you have loved, you love still. If you have been forgiven, you are forgiven still. If you have reached the rocket speed, touched the ground that feeds, that communion extends in all directions and is with you still. If you have accepted the gifts of solitude, they attend you still. And if you have ever put one foot in front of the other and continued to walk, to try, you always will.

* * *

In the end the thing that keeps me walking is your shine
Your shine in transmissions, your shine in decisions
Your shine when I labor to the new day
It's your shine, your shine, your shine, shine, shine on

* * *



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